i feel about blogs the way i do about zines- they are for smarter, braver people than i, people who are not afraid of putting themselves out there for all the world (or a few close friends) to judge. but i have been feeling like talking, like venting, like expressing myself in words lately, and so here i am. i may just do this privately, not even give out the address, but at least i have a little forum for my expression now (that is a little more in depth than my facecbook status).
mostly, lately, i've been thinking about being pregnant again, about the upcoming birth, about adding another little being to our family and to the world. i used to have all sorts of feelings about people having biological children, population growth, bringing another life into this horrible, scary world....all of that. i still do, in some ways, but- like it has with many things- studying/learning the tibetian buddhist philosophy about having a child threw a new spin on it for me. the buddhists believe giving life to another human is the greatest gift there is, as only humans have the capacity for enlightenment. i'm sure there is more to it than that, but upon hearing this for the first time years ago, i found all of my 'beliefs' about having children to be on shaky ground, and i've looked at it all in a different way.
but the buddhist philosophy about having a child is not really what i have been thinking about...what i've been thinking about is the feeling of little feet, or hands, or a little skull, tapping against my uterine walls. the joy of it. when i feel this little child within me move, i have this overwhelming feeling of....feeling. it reminds me of the feeling i had a christmas time when i was a child. sam knows what i mean...but it's a wave of full, alive, joyous, intense feeling. i've been thinking about talula, and worried about how i'll be able to do it all- be there both for this newborn, which is (i know from experience!) a 24/7 all consuming job on very little sleep- and also for little talula, who is quite used to enjoying my undivided attention. talula is so compassionate, loving, sweet, tender, affectionate- i think she will be a wonderful big sister. but i think we might be in for a few intense months, and i hope i am up for it, i hope i can do well by both children, and by ed, too.
so much more to write about, but now i have to go to bed, because my sleep is bound to be short and interupted, as it has been for the past 23 months...
